I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU

Such a difficult promise. That you will always be in my heart, that I will always remember you, that you will always be there in my head how I will mouth your name every now and then in remembrance. How deep pangs of guilt and loss will twitch in me with every memory. I hate it but love it everytime. It tears at me with every memory. I hate it but love it everytime. It tears at me, clawing and cloying. But it tells me I'm alive and that you, be you dead or alive, you are there in my heart and mind. That I really will never forget, that I will always love you. But how do I show you? Do I even tell you? Do I even show it? No, I guess you don't care about it. It was a promise given, but who cares about it? You don't. I guess nobody does. I mean, when will it be checked on? When will you redeem all those memories? All those times you made me flinch inside, will you ever come around and say "So? How many times did you think of me?" What do I get in return? Will there be reciprocity? Or am i just wasting my time? Am I just wasting your time? Or because I am such a romantic and sentimental fool at heart, will I be unable to go on if I don't pause everyday for you. Think of your name and remember you? It might be because we are never happy with the ones that we are with. Maybe I have to do this because it keeps me sane, that I am not trapped, that there are other fish in the sea. That there are always choices. That there is always tomorrow, that there can still be you and me. That though you are an old and ugly crone I will still love you. But maybe I don't love you, the one you are now. I love you, the one you were. I am in love with ghosts and with phantoms of yesterday. Because I am sure, you are now a bitter middle aged whore. And that is why I am a pessimist, because all my hope is lost everytime I dream about what we have never had. Tell me you think of me too. Unlikely.