CONTROLLED DELIRIUM

I have been sick for the past two days with colds and a fever. I thought maybe in all the suffering this blight has brought upon me I was hoping that I might get a respite of some kind. The sickness I am sure was brought on by my immune system failing after I had to forego decent sleep for nearly a week trying to finish my deadlines for the next issue of the magazine I write for. Then it was as if the fates were listening to my pleas. I dreamt of you.

And it was the way I wanted the dream to be. I knew that I must have been dreaming. But I knew that it wasn't a fantasy either because I wasn't controlling what was happening. I knew it was a dream because after a week of not sleeping right, and two days of being unable to sleep right, this was the first night in a week that I was finally able to visit slumberland with the blessings of Orpheus.

You were beautiful. You were languishing, obviously waiting for my arrival into the realm. It was as if we agreed to meet tonight. You were wearing just what I expected you to be wearing. I sat beside you and so began a conversation that I have been wanting to have with you. Because after so long, we are alone again, and we can speak freely, because we knew where we both were. What I didn't expect though were your answers to my questions. How you seemed so mature, how you seemed to know what to do. Another sign for me that this was a dream. You were never so wise. You were never so sure of yourself or your plans for the future. But this time, it was as if I was speaking through you, and it was I who was unsure and impatient and impulsive. Demanding, upset, selfish, like the brat that I usually am.

In the end, you told me that it is time to part, and I was saddened. But you told me what I wanted to hear, and used that moment to enforce you argument that it is time to wake up and move on with our days. How I wish I was able to debate forever on that one single point while holding you. But I failed, because I could never say no to you...and that is why we can never have that conversation in the real world.