THREE ANTE MERIDIEM

ITS 3 AM. I must be lonely. Yeah, that must be it. I am simply lonely because of the time. Let us not consider the little aches and pains that I feel. Let us not take into account the pining I feel for you or the thousand knives in my shattered heart.

Nope, let's not consider my melodrama or my illusions. Let us all pretend that I do not feel this way. After all, it is futile for me to try and talk to anyone about it as I do not have friends. I have a lot of colleagues and work-mates, but that's about it.

It's not your fault, don't worry, I won't blame you. After all, it's me. It's all me. I choose to say these things, I choose to act this way. I choose to be this. Sounds selfish? Sounds wrong? Truth usually is.

It's always been that way you know. Everytime I see you my world just flips. Why did you never want me? Why did you never give me that time of day? Why did you choose him over me? Why are you so...

I saw you sitting at your office, you were wearing this fuschia blouse. You were always beautiful, no matter what you wore. Even if it was a simple white shirt and a blue skirt with cheap flip-flops. To what sophistication you were wearing today...You were beautiful.

Too bad for me that you have a happy life.

MEGAMALL REDUX

I'm sitting here in Megamall food court. It's been a long time since I've been here and the first few things that come to mind are all the obvious changes, the way things have been redecorated. No longer the white Formica tables, now they're with a steel motiff with faux walling. The same people though: middle class types, students, office drones, and the erstwhile poor guy who made a little enough to take the kids to Megamall for dinner. The skating rink is still there with it's Zamboni ice shaver, the plastic walls yellowed with age, scarred by the multitude of strikes from newbie skaters. Jollibee is still there, in what seems to be the last hold over from the nineties in this place that was erected when I was just in college. It was very nice then, now it's just filled with people--a real "mega" mall.

I'm just sitting here after walking around for nearly three hours it seems, looking for Hahn. By sheer luck I found a place that sells Buck Knives, one of them looks really cool, and I might go back for it when I get my money. I promised myself I'll only keep 10% of what I get from NPC, give the rest to Alma with 10% kept for emergency purposes and about a thousand for the kids and the retrieval of the cellphone.

I've been feeling nostalgic about this place for the longer I'm here, all I can think of is how this place used to be the hang-out of the Miriam guys, and guess who texted me while I was going around...Arnold Caranay. I mean, how weird is that? The other guy who hung out with me a lot here in Megamall long ago. Kulang na lang makita ko si Daddy Noah, kumpleto na. If anything, Mega still had that sane appeal...beautiful things floating amidst the muck.

One of these days I have to definitely come back here and reminisce with the guys. More so now that the place has once again gone under renovation. One of these days, if I don't take my family here to tell them of my history when I hung out in this place when I was younger. It will be too different to show what was. Not that Megamall is going anywhere. - 0811.12

CONTROLLED DELIRIUM

I have been sick for the past two days with colds and a fever. I thought maybe in all the suffering this blight has brought upon me I was hoping that I might get a respite of some kind. The sickness I am sure was brought on by my immune system failing after I had to forego decent sleep for nearly a week trying to finish my deadlines for the next issue of the magazine I write for. Then it was as if the fates were listening to my pleas. I dreamt of you.

And it was the way I wanted the dream to be. I knew that I must have been dreaming. But I knew that it wasn't a fantasy either because I wasn't controlling what was happening. I knew it was a dream because after a week of not sleeping right, and two days of being unable to sleep right, this was the first night in a week that I was finally able to visit slumberland with the blessings of Orpheus.

You were beautiful. You were languishing, obviously waiting for my arrival into the realm. It was as if we agreed to meet tonight. You were wearing just what I expected you to be wearing. I sat beside you and so began a conversation that I have been wanting to have with you. Because after so long, we are alone again, and we can speak freely, because we knew where we both were. What I didn't expect though were your answers to my questions. How you seemed so mature, how you seemed to know what to do. Another sign for me that this was a dream. You were never so wise. You were never so sure of yourself or your plans for the future. But this time, it was as if I was speaking through you, and it was I who was unsure and impatient and impulsive. Demanding, upset, selfish, like the brat that I usually am.

In the end, you told me that it is time to part, and I was saddened. But you told me what I wanted to hear, and used that moment to enforce you argument that it is time to wake up and move on with our days. How I wish I was able to debate forever on that one single point while holding you. But I failed, because I could never say no to you...and that is why we can never have that conversation in the real world.

DATING EXCLUSIVELY II

But what to do if the one being courted is the one who chose to date exclusively. Because that is the only way for the one being courted to signify that s/he is willing to be just be with that one person, but because of some reason is not ready to get into a relationship yet.

Whatever that reason may be is moot and academic. But the issue is, what is the point of saying "we're dating exclusively, but hindi kami" when nobody can enter the relationship because it's already closed?

What? You're waiting for someone better to come along? And being courted is bait? Oh hell's wrath! Could that be it?

No? Then stop playing games. Dive into it before love decides to leave. And you will be left with nothing, but ash...you don't want to go there.

Oh? Afraid of being pressured into doing something you are not ready for if ever you say "Yes" to him/her?

A true lover does not force a partner. That my dear is a whole different game called: seduction. One that is far far more interesting than courtship. And one that can be made absent in the relationship if one partner chooses to. For there are two main reasons to get into a relationship: mating or companionship. If you get both, then you are rich beyond words.

DATING EXCLUSIVELY

Is that the way to go? Have I been out of the loop so long that I can't even imagine how dating exclusively is an excuse to say that two people are "kami na" that just because they do not see any other people is enough reason to become an item. To be in a relationship.

Maybe I would sound old if I said, "during my time" which would be referring to the time that I was still dating and courting so to speak. But that would be insane, because that was only less than five years ago.

Maybe because I am a chivalry mummy is why I am so affected when I heard that dating exclusively was reason enough. But what if there was no other choice for the one being courted? What if the only reason why that person is dating exclusively is because there is only one courter? What if the single courter is such a troll that if anyone who even dares to also court said courtee will be dealt with accordingly?

In the days of swords and shields, that would have been difficult. But these days of guns and goons, that would be a pretty easy thing to pull off.

Maybe that is why when others see someone who is "unreachable" or "seems taken" or "seems decided" or "dating exclusively daw" they decide to not meddle in the business of courting.

I mean there is sound reasoning in that maneouver anyway, as there are a lot of fish in the sea. And believe you me, there are much better fish out there than the one in your plate or in your aquarium. So why bother indeed? But what if you really like the target? If the fox is indeed worth the chase?

Then by all the gods of love and by all the gods of war forge on oh intrepid fool! Exclusivity of ownership belongs to only one entity--Death. And sometimes, even he can be cheated.

LAST MESSAGE

lo0k., i dnt knw h0w 2 talk thngs over w/ u., thngs hav g0n so c0mplc8ed., .,u dnt evn knw if der wil stil b a chance 2 c u., or if il b able 2 spik wen we mit

*******

T_T

DOES GOD WANT US TO BE HAPPY?

There are so many things that have to be said and done between us, but I see that this will never happen. How? How can it happen? You don't want to see it. You don't care about it. All you see are your wants. You don't see my wants.

You say that this is not true. Words are but empty shallow things we write to make money out of. How can you actually rely on mere words to prove to me how you feel and how you act? I have to see for myself before I can believe. I have to see the actions before I actually accept what you say is truth.

I don't believe you. I can't believe you.

As far as I am concerned we are living a lie. This is all turning out to be a big lie between the two of us. It's just like what happened to me and my other friends who say I am important to them; that they think of my welfare. Lies! This is my reality. I have finally lost. I am on the verge. That is why I am writing everything I need to write down. I don't want to take all of these down with me to hell.

STORMS

Its storms like these which remind me of home the most. Living most of your life in a valley has its moments. Specifically the fact that you don't have to bear the brunt of any storm that passes. You watch it barely touch your town and then, its done. Maybe the river floods and maybe a few things get tossed here and there, but that's it. Life goes on.

I'm living in a swamp these days. And well, storms in a swamp are different. Water rises, the trees are nearly useless, and the rain sleets as the wind tosses it here to fore. It feels unsafe and unlike home. It feels wrong. It feels like I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be in a swamp. I should be in my green valley. Nestled in safety. But I'm here. I'm unsafe.

I watch the storm rage outside the window and it mirrors the insanity in my heart. I am tossed. Leaf-strewn and drenched among copious amounts of heavenly tears. But it is part of what is everything. Without storms, there can never be strength. We will never learn to batten ourselves to the downpour of life's challenges and the sorrows that also rain down from heaven. A little rain must really fall. But my storm has been all too long in its run and rampage. I tire of sitting in the boggy swamp. I miss the sweet, safe, rolling hills of my valley.

I miss home. This is not home. My heart lies not here. There are only storms here. There is only wrath and ruin.

SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL

I told you I was the devil. But did you listen? No. Now you are confused and you don't know what you are feeling and what to do about your actions. You don't know whether to ask for forgiveness or to praise whatever gods you pray to for thanks. I know who I pray to. I know what I pray to. I thanked them for letting me have you. I thanked them so many times.

That's what happens when you think you are evil versus knowing you are evil. In the face of the real thing. You just crumple.

You just give in to it, you taste it, lick it, bathe in it, let it slide into you, let it writhe in you. But in the end. You cleanse yourself. Me? I let my sins dry on my flesh.

I do not ever want to find myself in regret. I hate myself enough to let me revel in my sins. How about you? Are you as fucked up as me?

Or are you Judas, pressed into sin by God to do his dirty work? How about Barrabas sinful until faced with true holiness? Or are you like me, a simple snake in the Garden of Gethsemane?
Telling crying avatars in the middle of the night : You don't have to do what He says you know. Heller? Free Will?

I choose to do good, so that when I do choose to do evil. It is clear in my head...as alligator tears.

THE LIGHT THAT FAILED

I sit in the dark more often than not, not because I like it, but because I have grown used to it.

I stare out the window but I see nothing, not because I cannot see, but because it is not what I want to look at.

I smell the rancid wet air of the city, the dust of my living, but I ignore it with a snort. It is not what I want to sniff.

I keep shuffling the songs on my player impatiently, I hear, but it is not what I want to listen to.

I eat meals and nibble on snacks. I enjoy the tastes, but my hunger remains.

I can feel the almost imperceptible roughness of the keys, the tactile feel of each as I stroke it, the way it resists the push, the way it springs back after delivering its electric message. But it is not what I want to finger.

I want to see you, I want to hear you. I want to smell you. I want to touch you. I want to taste you. All in the dark.

I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU

Such a difficult promise. That you will always be in my heart, that I will always remember you, that you will always be there in my head how I will mouth your name every now and then in remembrance. How deep pangs of guilt and loss will twitch in me with every memory. I hate it but love it everytime. It tears at me with every memory. I hate it but love it everytime. It tears at me, clawing and cloying. But it tells me I'm alive and that you, be you dead or alive, you are there in my heart and mind. That I really will never forget, that I will always love you. But how do I show you? Do I even tell you? Do I even show it? No, I guess you don't care about it. It was a promise given, but who cares about it? You don't. I guess nobody does. I mean, when will it be checked on? When will you redeem all those memories? All those times you made me flinch inside, will you ever come around and say "So? How many times did you think of me?" What do I get in return? Will there be reciprocity? Or am i just wasting my time? Am I just wasting your time? Or because I am such a romantic and sentimental fool at heart, will I be unable to go on if I don't pause everyday for you. Think of your name and remember you? It might be because we are never happy with the ones that we are with. Maybe I have to do this because it keeps me sane, that I am not trapped, that there are other fish in the sea. That there are always choices. That there is always tomorrow, that there can still be you and me. That though you are an old and ugly crone I will still love you. But maybe I don't love you, the one you are now. I love you, the one you were. I am in love with ghosts and with phantoms of yesterday. Because I am sure, you are now a bitter middle aged whore. And that is why I am a pessimist, because all my hope is lost everytime I dream about what we have never had. Tell me you think of me too. Unlikely.